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Never Met a Laser I Didn't Like
Never Met a Laser I Didn't Like is the first episode of Not Applicable. Script OPENING SHOT in on an alley in a large city. Camera focuses on Napoleon sitting against a wall eating a taco and Herculian sitting against the opposite wall with his arms crossed Napoleon: eating "Well, that's actually pretty handy. Who would've guessed that the Swiss ArmyTrix-" Herculian: "Swarm 1." Napoleon: "-''Swiss ArmyTrix'' could make tacos? Herculian: eyes "You're in control of the most advanced nanobots out there, and you use them to make Mexican food? You might want to sort out your priorities." Napoleon: "You have something against Mexicans?" Herculian: "That's not what-" Napoleon: "Are you racist?" Herculian: "Why would I be-''" Napoleon: "Eh, I guess it's no big deal. Everyone's a little bit racist." Herculian: "I'M NOT-" Napoleon: "Except me, of course." Herculian: "You have got to be kidd-" Napoleon: "I accept everybody just the way they are: Not ''nearly as amazing as I am." and Napoleon stare at each other Herculian: "..." Napoleon: "..." Herculian: "...I...I have no words." Napoleon: "I do tend to have that effect on people." explosion sound is heard, along with light flashing down the alley Napoleon: "What was that?" Herculian: "I have no idea. We should probably-" Napoleon: "Go check it out? Great idea!" up and starts running out of the alley Herculian: running after Napoleon "That is the exact opposite of what I had in mind! Get back here, you idiot!" cuts to large street in the middle of the city. A large spider-shaped mech is using a laser cannon to demolish buildings. People are running, screaming, and generally panicking, as per usual. Napoleon: to a halt "Dude! Mech! Laser! Shooting things! Do you know what this means?!" Herculian: up beside Napoleon "Ooooh no. Napoleon. No." Napoleon: "Ooooh yes!" Herculian: "NO." Napoleon: "Ooooh ye-eees!" Heculian: "DON'T YOU DARE-" Napoleon: mech "YO! ARACHNAFACE!" swings around to face them, focusing it's laser cannon Herculian: incredulously "...You...You moron!" Napoleon: "It's called taking initiative. You should try it sometime." Laser Cannon Spider Mech: "Just who on Earth are you?" Napoleon: at mech "Just who do you think I am?! I'm Napoleon Eldridge! The reputation of my ultimate greatness spreads unbridled horror into the hearts of all the wicked and vile evildoers of the universe!" Herculian: "You are literally a 15 year old alley hobo, you moron! What is wrong with you?!" LCSM: "That was a rhetorical question. I don't care who you are, you pathetic human! I have been sent to destroy your civilizations and ravage this land as if I were a plague! Prepare for destruction!" Napoleon: "Destroy THIS! Boomerang Shades, GOOOOOO!!!" sunglasses proceed to bounce off the mech and fall to the ground with a rather pathetic *tink* LCSM: "..." Napoleon: "Hahaha! Your paint has now been scratched! What are you going to do now?! Hahahaha!" LCSM: "...I am really going to enjoy killing you." cannon fires; the beam is countered by a reflective shield Herculian: hand transformed into shield "Look, while I certainly appreciate the sentiment, I'm afraid this idiot dying would interfere with my mission. So, if you could ever so kindly move on to destroying someone else, I would be most appreciative." Napoleon: "Hold on a second, Herc! I have an idea!" Herculian: turns head to look at Napoleon "Napoleon...you...****ing...clod..." Napoleon: "Hear me out dude! And by that, I of course mean GO ARM CANNON!" LCSM: "Oh, and I suppose this will be another absolute failure of a-" energy cannon is formed on Napoleon's right arm LCSM: "...Still not a threat." Napoleon: "Like crap it isn't! My arm cannon vaporizes any barrier that I might come across! EAT THIS!" cannon shoots a purple beam, slicing the mech's laser cannon in half LCSM: "Gah! Impossible! No ordinary human has access to that level of technology! Activating energy shields!" Napoleon: "Well then, good thing I'm no ordinary human! GO, FLAMING SWORD OF JUSTICE!" arm cannon dissipates, replaced with a large flaming sword attatched to Napoleon's arm at the wrist LCSM: "Foolish human! Anything that touches my energy shield is instantly dissolved! There's no way you could break through!" Napoleon: "We'll see about that! HI-YAH!" dissolves upon hitting shield Napoleon: "Oh." Herculian: "Napoleon, we should probably run." LCSM: "As if I'd let you escape! Since I don't have my laser cannon anymore, I'll just have to ram you instead!" mech starts backing up Herculian: "Okay, that's it! We are leaving! NOW!" Napoleon: "Hold on! I have an idea! It's crazy, but it just might work!" Herculian: "What?! What idea would be worth getting ourselves killed over!" Napoleon: "That's the thing! We're NOT going to die! You know why that is? Because I'm going to transform!" Herculian: "...Excuse me?" Napoleon: "You heard me! I'm going to use the Swiss ArmyTrix to transform into something that can get us out of this mess!" Herculian: "You have got to be kidding me! Why would that even be a capability of Swarm 1?! Why would you even think that it could be?! There's no possible way that-" Napoleon: "GO, TRANSFORMATION! LET'S DO THIS!" throws his sunglasses up in the air and becomes covered by a bright light. The light twists around, eventually forming a humanoid shape. The light fades to reveal a seemingly robotic being, as he snatches his sunglasses out of the air and somehow attatches them to his face\ Sludgehammer: TIME FOR ROUND TWO, BABY! BUT THIS TIME, YOU'RE NOT JUST UP AGAINST THE MOST AMAZING HUMAN IN HISTORY! YOU'RE UP AGAINST THE TITAN OF POISON, SLUDGEHAMMER! Herculian: in disbelief "Did...did you just break the laws of physics just to tick me off?" LCSM: "You think this matters?! You're still dead, no matter what!" mech starts charging at Sludgehammer and Napoleon Sludgehammer: "CHEMICAL SHOT!" liquid at the mech's shield, causing crackling and a large explosion, breaking the energy field LCSM: in place "Impossible! How did do that?!" Sludgehammer: "I just shot a mixture at you that had a ton of flourine in it. The resulting stress the reaction placed on your shield was too much for your shield generator to handle, shorting it out! Science, glitch!" LCSM: "You're starting to be more trouble than you're worth! Take THIS!" a leg at Sludgehammer Sludgehammer: "IT CAN'T BREAK THIS FIST!" raises his fist into the path of the rocket-leg, deflecting it into the sky LCSM: "What the-?!" Herculian: "You do realize that's probably going to hit someone else at some point, right?" Sludgehammer: "NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW! SLEDGEHAMMER PUUUUNCH!" proceeds to ram the mech with his fist with such force that it gets brutally carved in two Sludgehammer: "Next time, try thinking ahead before attacking the most amazing person in existance, man" explodes in a huge fireball seen throughout the city Sludgehammer: "It never really ends well for ya." Characters *Napoleon Eldridge *Herculian *Laser Cannon Spider Mech Aliens Used *Sludgehammer Category:Not Applicable Category:Episodes Category:Episodes of Not Applicable Category:Earth-83